where did the passion go

Where did the passion go? Can I get it back, or does my lackluster sex life mean that I'm with the wrong person?

Happily you can restore the passion, but it won't be like it was in the beginning — and you have to work at it...

But first, how do so many of us arrive at this passionless state?

The daily grind can play a big role in derailing our sexual interest in our partner. "Stress, anxiety, depression, whatever it is — can really affect how you respond sexually,"

But nature plays a role, too. "your libido is never going to be like when you first met — when you were in the "infatuation" stage. Our bodies can't sustain infatuation. We'd never get anything done if we lived in that stage all the time. It's nature's way of moving us into a better, more functional place called the "attachment" stage — "a sweeter, calmer kind of phase that some people confuse with infatuation."

When Sexual Problems Arise It's during this phase that a couple's sexual problems often arise, "When you move into this phase, people assume that sex should always be spontaneous and you should always have that driving, crazy urge like you did in the beginning," . "But you have to actually produce that and it feels very unspontaneous and very strange at first. But if it becomes a habit, it really can help to spice things up. Sometimes it's a matter of actually inserting some of the spontaneity in it and taking control."

By taking control, will you soar to the heights of passion again? Not necessarily, but there are many things you can do to reconnect with your partner which "certainly drives the sexual interest," .

Here are ten ways Laura recommends to kick-start your life love:

Take time with each other, separate from kids and work, where kids and work are not discussed.
Plan a weekly date — whether it's going out to dinner or talking a walk. Don't go out to the movies or someplace where you're not going to talk or look at each other the entire night.

If you can't afford a babysitter, go out on the porch and have a glass of wine together after the kids go to sleep, or go out by yourself.

Do interesting and exciting things together. In a study of three couple groups, those who engaged in activities like bungee jumping and white-water rafting had the greatest improvement in intimacy, connection and sexual interest, Laura notes. "No one else in their day-to-day-life was really a part of the activity, so it sort of bonded them together more."

Take time for yourself every day. While this can be tough with hectic schedules, jobs and kids, even 10 to 15 minutes a day can help reduce your stress and give you more energy for your partner. What's more, says Laura, "it's really hard to go out and go bungee jumping if you've neglected your own life. It's important to keep your own energy going. The more connected to who you are, the less you get lost in the daily grind, which pulls you away from your partner. And the more sensual and the more connected to yourself you are, the more available you are for your partner. I think it's really tough when one partner stays really connected with themselves and the other is still lost. Both partners really need to make a commitment to do that."

Ask your partner to take the kids a couple of afternoons a week while you read, take a bath, meditate or exercise.

Dress yourself up and hand your partner the keys to a hotel room.

Be physical with one another without expecting sex to be the outcome — cuddle, hold hands, touch one another.

Experiment with different sexual positions.

Do something you've always wanted to do like take a yoga class.

Sexual-health experts, Drs. Jennifer and Laura Berman offer these tips to keep the spark in your love life alive:

1. Together, take the time to create a "fantasy box." On separate pieces of paper, jot down fantasies, fold them up, and put them in the box. When the mood strikes you — pull one out at random.

2. Shop for sex toys together — either on-line or in-store. This is a great opportunity for bonding, as well as revealing what each of you like.

3. Paint each other's bodies with edible paints. Or improvise with something from the refrigerator like chocolate syrup or whipped cream.

4. Incorporate a small vibrator into your lovemaking. For example, try using it on her while performing oral sex.

5. Never eat a heavy meal right before making love. If you're counting on action later, eat light.
6. Blindfold your partner and focus on different sensations (feathers, ice, oils, etc.)

7. Set the mood with candles, music, dim lights, perhaps some wine. Give yourself permission to take your time at getting into the mood!

8. Plan a sexual adventure — a surprise night where each must come prepared with a sexual adventure for the other (be sure to bring all the necessary props and tools). Go crazy, be creative, have a little fun.

9. Keep the underwear on. Instead of rubbing your partner with different sensual materials — rub through them! Move your hands over one another, try playing with oral sex through lingerie, etc.

10. Wear sexy lingerie under your clothes — or not! Then, go out to dinner and tease your partner with sly little peeks.

11. Leave a naked picture of yourself in your partner's briefcase or purse to ensure that at some point in the day they'll get a naughty little surprise.

12. Place a drop of flavored oil someplace special on your body that you know your partner will lick.

13. Try using Altoids — or other peppermint candies — during oral sex.

14. Thrill Sex. Try having sex in "dangerous" places (elevators, cars — even in the garage while the babysitter is with the kids, airplanes, restaurant bathrooms.)

15. Put a lock on the bedroom door and don't be ashamed to use it! Even with the kids…they really should learn to knock.

16. Don't forget those Kegel muscles! As your partner withdraws, squeeze the muscles as if you're trying to keep him in. This will provide more friction for him — and you.

17. Resist the temptation to reach orgasm. Delay it and enjoy the sensuality and eroticism of the act. When this happens it will be that much more intense later.

18. Understand gender differences. Women typically like to be slowly brought to arousal and don't like it when partners go right for the nipples or the genitals. Men, on the other hand, tend to have one major erogenous zone — the genitals. One way to accommodate both is for her to provide him with manual stimulation, while he continues much more slowly on her.

19. For some women, direct clitoral stimulation can be too intense. Try a little to the left, a little to the right. Get to know your partner. Explore all your options.

20. Maintain eye contact during sex and especially orgasm. This can enhance both intimacy and intensity.
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